My desk is nothing but an unbridled crap-hole. One would think I'd keep useful things inside like folders, notepads and endless back issues of Writing Magazine. Well, I do and don't. What's mostly inside is ancient uni and college work, out of ink pens, year old receipts and bank statements, guitar tuners I no longer need and dead batteries. So, what did I chance across when I pulled open my top drawer last night? All of my college notepads I used for writing songs. To be honest, I had forgotten all about them so when I flicked them open and winced at the awful poetry, I fell into the noxious pit of nostalgia. And I don't like that place.
I Don't Recall
Twenty-one books pretty much documented everything I felt during college. Although, I couldn't tell you what I felt half the time because the writing is so bad and tangled I can't make head or tail of it. Some of the songs are self-explanatory by the sounds of it, but most of them are awful, awful monsters. I wondered if maybe there were some good lines I could use for my own writing, but there were maybe one or two worth considering. For some reason, I had it in my head that I wanted to become a singer-songwriter once leaving college and even though I played guitar all the time, I could never create an original tune. Every time I wrote something it was based off the melody from a song I liked. I noticed a lot of them followed the rhythm of 'Re-Education (Through Labour)' by Rise Against and 'Her Silent Language' by Dark Tranquillity. Hell, I even caught one masquerading as the Anaal Nathrakh number, 'In the Constellation of the Black Widow'. What was I thinking? What every teenager bloody felt: angst, heartbreak, anger and that youthful naivety that you can be whatever the hell you want to be and the world owes you a goddamn favour. All lies!
In fact, one of most nauseating things about this discovery is how I 'thought' I was a protester, a humanitarian and a songwriter. A lot of the songs in the books contained lyrics that sought after a change in the world and calling out our government's 'false' leadership. As it turns out, I didn't know squat about politics or how to change the world. I was an optimistic and naive chap back then who thought that if everybody stopped fighting the world would be a better place. That might still be true, but I doubt' we'll see peace come around for a while. Humans are selfish by nature, but that is not out fault. As far as my humanitarian skills went, well I had none. I didn't volunteer to help out overseas or even give to charity. Sure, I volunteered at the British Heart Foundation for a while, but that doesn't change who I am. And I'm no songwriter, that much is clear. There were some happy thoughts as I read the pages. College was fun, I met friends for life (I hope) and it was just the change I needed from walking through hell in school. But, despite that, life at college brought about two terrible discoveries about myself which I wouldn't wish on anybody, and they are problems many of us struggle with. Maybe that's for another post.
In fact, one of most nauseating things about this discovery is how I 'thought' I was a protester, a humanitarian and a songwriter. A lot of the songs in the books contained lyrics that sought after a change in the world and calling out our government's 'false' leadership. As it turns out, I didn't know squat about politics or how to change the world. I was an optimistic and naive chap back then who thought that if everybody stopped fighting the world would be a better place. That might still be true, but I doubt' we'll see peace come around for a while. Humans are selfish by nature, but that is not out fault. As far as my humanitarian skills went, well I had none. I didn't volunteer to help out overseas or even give to charity. Sure, I volunteered at the British Heart Foundation for a while, but that doesn't change who I am. And I'm no songwriter, that much is clear. There were some happy thoughts as I read the pages. College was fun, I met friends for life (I hope) and it was just the change I needed from walking through hell in school. But, despite that, life at college brought about two terrible discoveries about myself which I wouldn't wish on anybody, and they are problems many of us struggle with. Maybe that's for another post.
Design Your Future
Reading what my college self wrote years ago is like looking at yourself through a portal in another life. The changes between the two is startling. Here we have eighteen year old Barton, hopeful about humanity and 'apparently' interested in world politics and keeping the planet all shades of green. Now, twenty-two year old Barton, a misanthropic cynic who understands how much of a pretender he was and knows none of these qualities are attractive in the slightest. And you know what, that's OK because at least I know who I am now. It doesn't mean that I don't care about things, because I do, it's just that I know nothing I can do will change anything anyway. Lunatics still roam the world and we'll betray one another and do anything to help ourselves. Why in the hell are we programmed to do those things, I wish I knew, but it's a part of human nature. And I don't like it all. I've been thinking about throwing away these notebooks since they're taking up desk drawer space, but then again why would I? It's not like I use my drawers for storing anything useful since all my story ideas are either on my phone or on my laptop and in notebooks kept beside my bed. But, these songbooks were a large part of my life and even though I may only look at them twice a year, they were my friends back then and they were there for me when I needed them, which was often. And friends, no matter how long you've known them shouldn't ever be forgotten.
Songs of the Week:
Songs of the Week:
- 'Acheronta Movebimus' by Anaal Nathrakh
- 'Unleash' by Anaal Nathrakh
- 'Idol' by Anaal Nathrakh
- 'The Joystream' by Anaal Nathrakh
- 'Worldwide' by Conor Oberst & The Mystic Valley Band
- 'Slowly (Oh So Slowly)' by Conor Oberst & The Mystic Valley Band
- 'Nikorette' by Conor Oberst & The Mystic Valley Band
- 'Shine' by Benjamin Francis Leftwich
- 'Long Live' by Taylor Swift
- 'Enchanted' by Taylor Swift
- 'Sparks Fly' by Taylor Swift
- 'The Eco-Terrorist in Me' by Rise Against
- 'Alice' by Avril Lavigne
- 'Superman' by Lazlo Bane